Lanterne Rouge

Call that lunch?

An M&S “Fireburst Rice Salad” isn’t the first thing to come to mind when I think of December foodstuffs, but it’s what I had for lunch. Disclaimer: the main reason I chose it was because this morning there were chocolate biscuits and cookies in the office kitchen and I ate 6 (six) of them. And number 7 is waiting for me for afternoon tea (edit: also nos. 8 and 9).

I also bought, thanks to a “2 for £3” offer, a similar dish called something like “hyperlentil bulgar surprise”, which has outsize pulses in it. That’s sort of cheating, though, as I’ve had it before, and it’s quite tasty. My main issue with these ultra-healthy, yet still processed and packaged, yuppie diet meals is that they all taste of vinegar. All of them. Why? I use vinegar once every 6 months or so in cooking at home (and that’s usually a reaction to my dishes being way too cloying because I’ve added too much wrongness), and it certainly has its place on chips (balsamic vinegar and soggy, greasy chip shop chips deserves a Michelin star on its own), but I have a feeling that whoever makes these recipes sees the word “salad” and just HAS to add “with vinaigrette” otherwise there OCD goes off or something.

Anyway, the word “salad” is not one I enjoy, as I have the world’s most pathetic allergy. To lettuce. It’s a pain in the arse when you’re trying to eat healthily, especially as I’ve realised I really do quite like the flavour. As a rule, the spicier/tastier the leaf, the more allergic I am. It seems, annoyingly, this allergy extends to parsley (boo), coriander (argh!) and basil (nooooo!!!), as well as lettuce-variants such as watercress, spinach, rocket etc. etc. I get a massively itchy mouth and a long-lasting, cramped-up stomach. It’s no fun. And I inwardly sigh every time I have to tell my gracious host that actually, I can’t eat their lovingly prepared and no doubt delicious accompaniment.

What a soft lad.